Day 3 and 4 Not enough breastmilk

So happy that both Gynae and Pd said we were allowed to go home. Bb jaundice level was 142 but this was considered low for Day 3. Bb needed to go for jaundice check again on Day 6. Pd mentioned that jaundice normally would spike at Day 5.

Diaper check

I checked with the nurse the number of diapers used for Day 3. She said there were two soiled diapers which were also wet.

I thought, "One more wet diaper to go! Bb must be getting enough milk!"

Home sweet home

Latched for longer and longer

Bb started to latch for more than 25 minutes on each side. She was sucking and sucking and so I thought I had enough milk.

Nearing to midnight, I started to see some whitish things on her lips that looks like dried milk. I thought that meant that my milk had come.

However, Bb started to latch very long on one side and kept on sucking and sucking sometimes for more than 40minutes. I remember reading that we should always offer one side first in order to get the hind milk and also newborns might nurse for comfort. Hence, I thought that was quite normal and started to only offer 1 side everytime she woke up.

Sometimes she only latched on one side for 25 minutes and dozed off and I did not offer the other side. I thought that meant that she was full. I didn't know it was because she was too tired from all the sucking and her jaundice level was going up causing her to be more tired.

This was despite the fact that I knew jaundice babies sleep longer and needed to wake them up more frequently so breastfeed them. Somehow it didn't occur to me that bb's jaundice level mighy have gone up and I did not consider waking up Bb when she slept for almost four hours.

I thought babies would be smart enough to wake up if they were hungry and I was to latch on demand and not to watch the clock.

There was only one soiled diaper and no wet diaper on day 3 night. I didn't think much about it. I remember that babies had enough nutrients storage in their body to last them till day 4 and as long as I keep latching, I would have milk.

Day 4 Bb kept crying

She started to latch longer and longer but each time I only let her latched on one side. Sometimes after she unlatched, she would start crying. I thought she was just tired and my mother-in-law would carry her and coax her to sleep.

She started to latch more frequently and by evening time, the diaper was still dry and the diaper indicator did not change colour.

I thought perhaps the diapers were too absorptive. After all, I saw some whitish milk on her lips yesterday. Or perhaps, my milk supply would go up soon to meet her demand.

Finally, on day 4 night, I felt my right breast a little bit hard and there was 1 slightly wet diaper. My mother in law started to place tissue inside her diaper to see if there was any urine at all.

Bb began to cry continuously and could not be coax to sleep. My nipples were sore from the hours of latching.

Day 4 "pumping"

I began to sought for help online. I wrote online saying that I was producing breastmilk as I thought I saw her swallowing. I also stated wrote that baby was hungry despite frequent feeding. Many people asked me to continue to latch on. One of them told me to pump out my foremilk as I could have too much foremilk.

I tried to use the massage mode of my medela for first 2 minutes and saw there was practically no milk. After two minutes, it was the let down mode. Knowing that I wouldn't have "let down", I off it again and on it to stimulate more. My nipples brush against the flanges and I realised my flange were too small. I disregarded that and bear with the pain and continue to on and off every 2 minutes. After maybe 8 times of doing so, there was less than 5ml of some greyish diluted milk in the bottle.

Buying Formula Milk

I broke down and my hubby took cab at 4am to 24 hours NTUC to buy formula milk.

I felt so guilty, thinking that baby had been sucking nothing but air for hours.

Day 5 depression?

Day 5 morning, baby started to have wet diapers after drinking formula milk. But we finally realised her face appeared to be more yellowish. There were also streaks of pink in the urine.

I cried for the whole day and I couldn't sleep at all. I was too tired but couldn't sleep. I stopped breastfeeding for that day and I started to blame myself for everything including

- not producing enough breast milk
- did not buy formula milk
- not pumping earlier
- never wash and prepare my pumping accessories
- not knowing how heavy a wet diaper should be
- And began to think about previous bad memories including my miscarriage, my dad's stroke and other things. I felt unfortunate things would start to happen again.

Day 6 jaundice up, dehydration & hospitalised

We went to Pd and we were told that her jaundice level had shot up. We could choose between letting her stay in hospital or renting the equipment home. We chose to let her stay in hospital.

I also decided to let her take formula milk.
By day 5 morning, I finally could feel both my breasts becoming harder and I started to express out milk.  I decided to feed the baby with formula milk instead of sending my expressed milk to hospital as I knew I really needed to have proper rest.

Pd also mentioned that the streaks of pink meant Bb was dehydrated and dehydration could be one of the factors that cause jaundice to shoot up. We were giving only 30ml of formula milk and Pd mentioned that we were giving too little amount of formula milk.

During the two days, I started to express out my milk and store them in the fridge as chilled milk. I caught up with my sleep and pull myself together.

My reflections

I was sitting on a hard plastic chair and my vaginal stitches hurt badly. The new Aircon was not circulating the air and I was sweating even though I was practically naked. The red dates tea turned icy cold in the air con room but I still drank it. And the list goes on. Somehow I just "suffer in silence" and was dumb enough not to do anything about the two days.

Hormones and lack of sleep caused me to become too obssessed with breastfeeding. I didn't know how to take care of myself nor feel that I was a mum. I felt like a cow which had failed its most important duty of providing milk.

I did not realise I was tired and too stressed up. These have caused me to lose myself and fail totally as a mum. Not that I failed to provide breast milk but failed to notice that she was too hungry. I should have noticed the lack of wet diapers too.

On top of these, I should have been more prepared. Breastfeeding involves many things. Not just latch and expect milk would definitely be sufficient for the baby.

Rest, food and comfort for mother were the most important things. 

For food, I suggest green papaya soup with fish. I only started eating it in my 2nd week. I should have eaten from day 1. 

So here are my suggestions or rather these are the things I will do when having my second baby:

- Latch,  sleep and eat the moment you reached home.
Don't bother about unpacking things or taking care of the baby.
If you can't sleep, just close your eyes and rest on the bed.
Get your confinement lady and your hubby to change diapers and coax baby to sleep.
Just stay on the bed except for meals.
Scream for your hubby when baby wakes up. Stay on the bed and just wait for hubby to carry baby to your arms. Then get hubby to pour warm red date drink for you. (You may need a straw or a water bottle).

- Wear comfortable clothing for nursing. I thought I could just strip and nurse and don't spend money on nursing clothes. But stripping and wearing back takes time and you might catch a cold. There are actually cheap and comfortable tank tops, shirts or dress with padding. You can buy from uniqlo airism series ($19.90 to $29.90) or qoo ($10-$12).

- Don't just research and follow blindly! Do practicals with your HUBBY before giving birth.

1) Pour 4 to 6 tablespoons (60 to 90ml) of water on a diaper and weigh! Feel the weight and look at how the diaper indicator changes colour!

2) Put a scoop of formula milk, follow by volume of water indicated on the formula tin. Hot water: room temperature ratio 1: 2. Swirl to make sure the milk powder dissolves completely. Hold and grab the bottle in your hand or pour a few drops on your palm to know the suitable temperature.

3) Wash, sterilise and get ready your pumps! Learn to use and try out your sterilizer and warmer! You can try placing the milk in the fridge and see how long it takes to chill it and to warm it. Or simply use a warm water bath instead of warmer to warm up your chilled milk.

4) Do trial runs of picking up a baby from the cot to breastfeed, pulling down your clothes to breastfeed, latching, holding the baby in the same position for at least 40 minutes, burping the baby, swaddling the baby and placing the baby back into the cot. (Consider using a doll?) You should also consider where to place your red date tea and some snacks near your bed. (You may want to ensure your red date tea doesn't turn cold in air con room like mine)

I have attached a picture below of my "set -up" when breastfeeding baby. (The blue and pink mats are in case when baby pukes milk. If you look closer, I have also swaddle on the mat. This set up is for daytime and the long green pillow is  placed on my right if I latching on my right breast. So baby's neck would be on my right arm at my elbow and my elbow would be resting on the pillows. After latching and she falls asleep, I will place her directly infront of me on top of the swaddle and swaddle her. 

Finally, no matter how prepared you are there will be problems. And don't panic when baby cry. Take good care of yourself! Happy mummy = Happy baby! Don't try to be the perfect mummy. Remember your hormones can be controlling you, making you depressed! Stay cool and tell yourself you have done your best!